What is Love Really?
One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that it’s purely an emotional experience—something you “fall into” and just as easily “fall out of.” But love is far more than a feeling.
As disciples of Christ, we must not only live in God’s love but also help others to understand and practice true, lasting love—in their relationships and in their walk with Christ. It is critical, therefore, that we define love as God does. Contrary to our world’s anthems, true love is not just an emotion. It is a daily decision and commitment.
The Two Dimensions of Love
Love can be thought of in two dimensions:
- Being in Love – This is emotional, attractional love. It feels effortless and exciting, but by itself, it cannot sustain a meaningful relationship.
- Behaving in Love – This is a daily choice to act in love, even when emotions fluctuate. It’s the foundation of strong, lasting relationships.
Most relationships begin with a strong dose of emotional love, but over time those feelings naturally fade. The key to a thriving relationship isn’t chasing emotions—it’s choosing daily to love, serve, and value the other person.
Love is a Commitment, Not Just a Feeling
Many people think that acting in love without feeling in love is dishonest or hypocritical. But apply this logic to other areas of life:
- Do you only go to work when you feel like it?
- Do athletes only train when they’re in the mood?
- Do musicians only practice when they feel inspired?
- Should you only worship God when you feel spiritual?
If someone commits to getting in shape, they don’t wait until they feel like exercising. They choose to exercise because they are committed to their health. A hypocrite is someone who would say, “I love exercising,” when in reality they hate it. An honest person would say, “I hate exercising, but I have made a commitment to lose weight so I am sticking with it.”
Love works the same way. There will be times when you don’t feel attracted to your spouse or don’t feel like acting lovingly. The immature response is to withdraw or give up on your spouse. The hypocritical response is to pretend and say, “I am so in love with you.” The mature response is to say:
“I choose and want to love you. I know that this is right before God. It is sometimes hard, and my heart fails me and fails you, but I will continue to ask the Lord to shape my heart and I will continue loving you.”
Love and Hypocrisy: What It Really Means
Christians who feel that such love is hypocritical may be struggling with a wrong view of hypocrisy and with their own immaturity.
Kevin DeYoung helpfully explains:
Many Christians fear that doing the right thing without the right feelings makes them hypocrites. But is this really hypocrisy? Another word to describe this behavior might be “maturity.” Children only do what they feel like doing. Adults learn to do things they are supposed to do though they may not always be excited about it. Of course, as Christians we want to grow so that we feel good about what is good. But the Christian life is full of instances where the doing and the feeling do not exactly match—sometimes with feelings ahead of obedience and sometimes with obedience ahead of our feelings. Hypocrisy is not the gap between doing and feeling; it’s the gap between public persona and private character. Hypocrisy is the failure to practice what you preach (Matt. 23:3). Appearing outwardly righteous to others, while actually being full of uncleanness and self-indulgence—that’s the definition of hypocrisy (Matt. 23:25-28). The hypocrite is not the Christian who struggles against sin, fights against temptation, and keeps doing what is right even on his worst feeling days. That’s a hero. The hypocrite is the Christian who uses the veneer of public virtue to cover the rot of private vice. He’s the man living a double life, the woman fooling her friends because she has church clothes, the student who proudly answers the questions in Sunday school and just as proudly looks at pornography the rest of the week. The sin of hypocrisy is not that we are more messed up than we seem. That’s true for all of us. The sin is in using the appearance of goodness to cloak the deeds of evil. The sin is in thinking that who others think you are matters a great deal more than whom God knows you to be. [1]
To summarize all of the above:
- Choosing to act in love when you don’t feel like it is not hypocrisy—it’s spiritual maturity.
- Obeying God when you don’t feel like it is not hypocrisy—it’s faithfulness.
The Ultimate Example of Love
On the night of His crucifixion, Jesus spoke these affirming words:
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” – John 15:9-13
This brings up a vital question. Did Jesus feel like going to the cross? He did not. He sweat blood and He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42).
Jesus chose love even when it was painful. His love wasn’t based on our worthiness or on His emotions—it was a deliberate act of sacrifice. If Jesus’ love was based on feelings alone, we would all be lost. But He loved us by choice; and He calls us to do the same.
Act with Love and Feelings Will Follow
If you want love to grow, you must act in love first.
- Want to feel closer to your spouse? Start by acting with kindness, serving, and speaking life–giving words.
- Want to rekindle your relationship? Spend time together, express affection, and prioritize each other’s needs—even when you don’t feel like it.
C.S. Lewis gives a sobering illustration:
“The Germans, perhaps, at first ill-treated the Jews because they hated them: afterwards they hated them much more because they had ill-treated them. The more cruel you are, the more you will hate; and the more you hate, the more cruel you will become—and so on in a vicious circle forever.”
Both sides are true:
✔ The more you act in love, the more love will grow.
✔ The more you withdraw love, the colder your heart will become.
Love Will Sustain You Through Hard Seasons
Every relationship goes through dry spells. There will be times when your feelings of love seem to fade. What do you do then?
- Initiate loving actions – Give compliments, show affection, write notes, and serve without expecting anything in return.
- Pray for God to transform your heart – Ask Him to increase your love and give you a servant’s heart.
- Forgive quickly – Let go of bitterness. Love cannot grow in an unforgiving heart.
- Invest in quality time – Prioritize your spouse or loved one, even when life is busy.
- Choose kindness daily – Speak words of encouragement rather than criticism.
You may not feel tender, sympathetic, or eager to please, but as you commit to loving actions, your emotions will realign, and over time, your love will grow deeper.
✔ A lasting marriage isn’t built on feelings but on commitment.
✔ A strong faith isn’t built on emotions but on obedience to Christ.
✔ A life of discipleship isn’t built on motivation but on daily choosing to follow Jesus.
“Love never fails.” – 1 Corinthians 13:8
In Conclusion: Love Like Christ
Love is not something we simply “fall into”—it is something we build with intention, commitment, and grace. As disciples of Christ, we must teach others to love in a way that reflects God’s love—a love that chooses to act, even when feelings waver.
✔ God’s love for us is not based on emotions but on commitment.
✔ Our love for others should reflect that same depth and maturity.
“We love because he first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19
Reflection Questions for Disciple Makers
- Have I been waiting for emotions to lead my actions instead of choosing to love?
- Have I been investing in my relationships even when I don’t feel like it?
- How can I reflect God’s unwavering love to those around me?
Take the Challenge
This week, choose one intentional act of love each day—whether toward your spouse, a friend, or even a difficult person in your life. Watch how your heart begins to follow.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” – 1 Peter 4:8
[1] “What Is Hypocrisy?” by Kevin DeYoung, the Gospel Coalition, Dec. 13, 2012
