Facing the Pain of Pornography in Marriage

I once spoke with a wife who was wrestling with the painful discovery of her husband’s pornography use. She described feeling betrayed and overwhelmed, unsure where to turn. If you can relate to her struggle, you’re not alone.

The sting of sexual sin, like pornography, is sharp and often feels like a kick to the stomach. It can fill your heart with emotions like anger, sadness, betrayal, or even exhaustion. These feelings are valid, and you’re not alone in experiencing them. Sadly, pornography is a pervasive sin that demands vigilance from all of us as we strive for integrity and holiness in our lives.

Job provides a compelling example of such vigilance against sexual sin when he declares, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1). While the fight against sin can feel overwhelming, we serve a God who is merciful and powerful. He promises to help us in this fight (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Please know I write this article from a spirit of gentleness (Proverbs 15:1) and with a desire to bring healing (Proverbs 15:4). This is a journey that will not be quick or easy. Desires don’t simply vanish overnight. The road will require much trust in God. Though you would never have chosen this trial, you may find your relationship growing stronger through it, as you both trust Him. Remember, Satan intends this for your harm, but God can redeem it for your good and His glory (Genesis 50:20).

Here are some steps to lovingly and wisely navigate this heartache.

  1. Start with Prayer and God’s Wisdom

The first and most important step is to take this to God in prayer. David’s words in Psalm 55:1-2 remind us: “God, listen to my prayer and do not hide from my plea for help. Pay attention to me and answer me. I am restless in turmoil with my complaint.”

Like David, pour out your heart to God. Ask Him for wisdom, love, grace, and discernment as you address this situation. Prayer will strengthen your spirit and fill you with God’s peace. Remember, God loves both you and your husband deeply. He hates sin and desires your holiness. Trust that He will guide your steps as you walk forward in faith. Take time to care for your soul. Spend time at the feet of Jesus in Scripture and journaling and prayer. Remember, God sees your tears, and He “is near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

  1. Speak the Truth in Love

When the time comes to speak with your husband, approach him out of love. Proverbs 27:5 tells us: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” And Galatians 6:1 encourages us to restore others gently when they stumble. Pornography is not just harmful to your marriage; it damages his relationship with God too.

Gentleness is key. Remember that we are all sinners in need of grace. Approach this conversation with humility and compassion, focusing on restoration and healing, not condemnation.

  1. Plan Your Words Carefully

Think through what you want to say beforehand. Ask God to help you set aside any sinful anger or assumptions. Instead of accusing or lashing out, position yourself as an ally. Consider asking questions like:

  • How do you handle online sexual temptations?
  • Do you want help to overcome this struggle?
  • Can we work together to put safeguards in place?

You might start with, “Honey, I love you so much, and I know this conversation might be hard for both of us. But we need to talk about something that’s weighing on my heart.”

Be prepared to give him time to process and respond. Just as God was patient with Adam and Eve, allow space for your husband to open up. When he does reply, listen patiently and without judgment. Seek to understand the depth of his involvement and share honestly how this affects you, your marriage, and his relationship with the Lord.

  1. Prepare for His Reaction

Your husband’s response may vary. Be ready for one of these possibilities:

  • Brokenness: He may feel convicted and eager to change. If so, celebrate his willingness to seek help and model the grace and forgiveness of the Father in Luke 15, who ran to embrace his prodigal son.
  • Defensiveness: He might minimize or excuse his actions. If this happens, encourage him to pray and reflect. Give the Holy Spirit time to work before revisiting the conversation.
  • Denial: If he denies or reacts with anger, express your hurt and concern calmly. Then step back, pray, and seek counsel from trusted believers who can help you navigate the next steps.

  1. Clearly State Outcomes

Be specific about what you believe is necessary for healing and restoration. This might include:

  • Installing accountability software.
  • Seeking biblical counseling at your local church.
  • Joining a men’s group for accountability.
  • Removing access to certain devices.

If he resists taking these steps, consider Matthew 18:16-17, which encourages involving others in a loving, restorative way. Be discerning about who to include—preferably mature believers from your church.

In my humble opinion, wives do not make good accountability partners for their husbands. Wives function best in the God-given roles of support, encouragement, and prayer for their husband’s growth in Christ. You as the wife may very well need your own counselor and encouragement as you walk through this with your husband together.

  1. Lean on Godly Friends Who Understand

You’re not alone in this battle. Many wives have faced similar struggles and can empathize with your journey. Find a godly sister or two—women who love the Lord, believe the gospel, and take grace seriously—to walk alongside you. They can offer encouragement, prayer, and wisdom as you navigate this challenging time.

  1. Find Your Identity in Christ

Your worth is not determined by your husband’s actions. You are deeply loved by God, forgiven, and declared righteous through Christ. Let your identity be rooted in Him. As you grow in your relationship with the Lord, you’ll be strengthened to handle this situation with grace and courage.

  1. Remember: His Choices Are His Responsibility

You are not to blame for your husband’s sin. Each of us is accountable for our own choices. Satan may try to fill your mind with insecurities, but resist those lies. Your husband’s sin is not a reflection of your worth or value. Many wives wonder if their husband’s sin means they aren’t enough—attractive enough, available enough, or good enough. Let me assure you: this is not true. Sin is rooted in the human heart, and your worth is not diminished by his choices.

  1. Fight the Real Enemy

This is not a battle against your husband but against sin and Satan, who seeks to destroy your marriage (Ephesians 6:12). Grieve the pain and broken trust; but fight against the hurt with the hope and forgiveness found in Christ. Extend grace and encouragement as you see your husband striving to change, and remind him of God’s abundant mercy.

  1. Trust Jesus with Your Husband

Ultimately, only Jesus can bring about the deep, lasting transformation your husband needs. You are not his Savior—Christ is. Pray fervently for God to grant him true repentance and to make Christ the joy of his heart. Lean into the truth of 1 Peter 1:6-7: “You rejoice in this, even though now for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith—more valuable than gold, which . . . is refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

This trial, as difficult as it is, is an opportunity for growth in your faith and marriage. God is at work, even now, to draw both of you closer to Him. Healing takes time. There will likely be setbacks and hard days, but each step of obedience and trust in God is a victory. God is working even when progress feels slow.

As hard as this road may feel, remember that Jesus is walking with you every step of the way. He redeems broken things, brings light into darkness, and makes all things new. Keep leaning into His grace, trusting that His plans for you and your marriage are good. Take heart in knowing that God’s grace is sufficient and His love for you is unwavering. Keep leaning on Him and trusting in His perfect plan.